So I have been right royally exhausted.
The kind of bone tired that not just makes you teary, impatient and irritable, but taking you further still, to the Land of Slow Motion and disconnection. On reflection, I imagine it to be like the calm quiet in the eye of a storm.
It happened like this….
I commenced two intensive 6 week workshops, whilst working at my “day job” (I finish on the 04.04.14 – a pretty magic date hey). Along with continuing to set up Inner Hue, do readings, plan for workshops, run a household amongst renovations and support, nurture and love my three munchkins, on not a lot of sleep.
And in great a Lauren style contradiction, Frustrated, Resentment and Do More rubbed shoulders with Acceptance, Peace and Rest.
I ignored them all.
My daily meditation became not so daily.
My inner guidance system began to quietly alert me that I needed to factor in some Time Out, which meant no list making, box ticking, writing, planning or pushing.
Did I listen? No. I sat to write. I couldn’t, nothing came out. I felt frustrated, so I made another list. I proceeded to complete the new list, robotically. My inner guidance system whispered gently louder. I brushed aside the wisdom, knowing full well what it was telling me – that I was out of balance. My suffocating grasp held tightly to “I have too much stuff to do to rest AND I have to make this work!” So I pushed, juggled and pushed some more.
My energy fluctuated between beautifully radiant, connected and inspired to low, dense, restrictive and sluggish.
A noticeable incongruence between my spirit and my mind became more present. I was out of alignment, but to hell with facing up to it! (you know what I mean, right?) I refused to body scan myself, until all I could “see” when I momentarily quietened my mind and centred was my energy system out of whack.
Then the Monkey’s of the Monkey Mind hijacked meditation more often than not, instead they ran riot. Thoughts hurtled through my brain entering and leaving so quickly I could barely grasp them.
Quickly, I scribbled more lists and pushed along clumsily and ineffectively, staunchly telling myself to work harder. “But I have to right? I’ve got so much to do!”
Until I woke with a migraine. My first one ever.
The Freight train had hit and I ground to a halt. I let out a sigh of relief. Ah, air in my lungs. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. I stepped back from the crazy.
See, I had lost touch with my driving force, with the “thing” in me that is grander and larger than what I am. I got all up in my head, stuck in the world of push, do more, and strive. I dammed up my flow with expectations and pressure and it made me…..
Sick and tired.
So I rested. Im leaning into the resistance of me resting, which feels uncomfortable in a world where rest is for the young, elderly or unwell. And I am none of those. But working 18hrs a day, 7 days a week for quite some time requires a breather. My Task Master part of my ego is cracking the whip and shouting to get back to it, but my Spirit quietly offers No, rest. And that resonates with me somewhere deeper inside my chest.
I’m being honest here, I feel a touch of pressure. I’ve acted in great faith, thrown caution to the wind and quit my job. Readings since then have doubled, but so has anxiety. My head tells me to stress. My heart tells me to listen and trust. And after many years of ignoring my “little voice” I now align with it more. Nervously, (with a touch of that helicopter mother kind of worry) I am laying down and inching away from my fierce, rigid determination to make it all work. It’s getting in the way of me actually making it all work. Exhaustion will get me no where.
In my world where rest still looks busy, I’m putting some boundaries in place. I’m far to wild not to have them. They go something like this…
Eat breakfast outside every day, away from the laptop, phone or work books I need to read, and soak up the god damn wonder of life in the morning!
Love my clients. This part is easy. You are all magically beautiful and powerful to me, I fall in love instantly and become lost in each of your radiance.
Love Inner Hue in the same way as I love my clients. With gentleness, patience, inspired motivation. No push, no force and do more.
Have some fun, early morning ocean swims, mountain climbs, sleep in’s and soft sensual sex. (Yes, I did just say that.) Play hide and seek and Tiggy with my babies. Make fart noises with them too, cause it’s funny. Sing silly songs. Sit in the moon light and feel the night, before going to bed by 10.30pm. And write because I love to write not because I feel I have too.
Say no to the crazy Task Master. What needs to get done, will get done. I have focused determination like a hungry lioness with cubs to feed, but that kind of energy needs to harnessed and handled with delicacy.
There is an electric charge in having single minded focused mixed with ignited heart driven passion. The Universe gets behind you in a big way. But throw expectations in front of yourself around outcomes and instantly you’ve built a brick wall you’ll inevitably hit. Its suffocates flow and stifles the ingenuity of creativity. Hold outcomes in the open palm of your hand, with the detachment of a teenager playing cool and the Universe can do it’s job then.
Laser focus + detachment from outcome = real life magic.
It’s a divine dichotomy.
And it feels better.
You guys wanna lay some stuff down and make a real big bon fire with me?
Lioness Love to you!