Beginning my Relationship with Women & my Dead Mother.

Spirituality

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This is a personal story. A spiritual story. These words will have a hint of hurt and anger in them still…. but the edges of hurt are a softening.

This is about women… and my mother.

To be honest – I haven’t liked women all that much. That’s a big harsh statement… one  I’ve sprouted flippantly from time to time. It’s me being brash and tough even. It is my armour.

So.. let me rephrase that statement. I have been scared of women… all women, pretty much most of my life. Since, well, forever it seems.

I have been so afraid of women at times that I sit now and wonder how it is I have female friends at all!

Crazy I know. Because I adore and love to death my female friends. Old and new… and I am so grateful for them and their initial “befriend-ment” because I was too scared to act and cultivate a connection first.

And when I did act first, it was awkward, over the top and embarrassing. (Oh god, this is so hard to share.)

Just recently, the Universe has been delivering me a very BIG clear message and shove along in regards to healing this. No bullshit surface gloss and polish here, but the real deal.

This is where 3 stories merge.

Story One.

2 weeks ago a fellow beautiful, wild, inter-web friend invited me to be a part of her interview series. We exchanged a few emails back and forth happily.. and then she sent me the questions. Good lord. I felt like I had slammed into a brick wall. Anxiety ran like a drug through my veins hitting me instantly. Doped. In a shaky stupor.

The interview series was all about women, sisterhood – female connections, friendships, and how I celebrate them. All I could say to myself was “oh no, oh no, oh no, over and over. Suddenly I was at sea. I didn’t know how to respond other than to say that I didn’t think I was suitable to participate in the interview series, and again with my silly “armour” on I shared a string of stories briefly explaining why…

But I just knew – right then, on that Friday evening, something was underway. The Universe was at work on this.

Story Two.

Kinfolk Festival.

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Well wow. Words cannot explain the beauty of that day.

The seamlessness of it’s formation.
The undeniable beauty of it’s intention.
The magic and power of the setting.

I was so humbly grateful to be able to be a part of it. And yet… I felt so unsure. So afraid.

I would be surrounded by 80 women. Wonderful women. Women like myself, full of grace, passion and contradiction.

I felt out of my depth.

Instantly, upon arrival I felt awkward. My interactions were stilted and self conscious. I wanted to hide.

I sat mesmerised and bewildered as streams of feminine energy rolled into the woods. Susana Frioni sat next to me, and I muttered something like…

“I’m not used to this.”

She asks – “Use to what?”

“This. All these women.”

She just looked at me and smiled.

Thankfully (and gratefully) she didn’t ask any further – and I didn’t need her to. Simply having her hold the space for me to be able to open up to this truth out loud, allowed a wash of soft energy to seep in.

And Kinfolk women… you did the rest. It was like having a milky rose petal, sage and lavender bath. You got me naked and made me clean.

Universe… you’re a kicker. A great one. I love you… But geez – you like to get me by my short and curlies!

Story Three.

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And this is the hardest to tell. The start of my female betrayal. And the key in healing it.

It’s about my mother. The mother I do not know.

And, the mother I have been refusing to know.

She died nearly 26 years.

That’s a long time, right?

And you know, I am really okay with her having died. I think death, although sad is a beautiful thing. Something to embrace and celebrate. I am not angry for her dying.

But I carry anger for this…

That I am now older than she was. She died at 30.

I am angry I cannot call her. Now, or any time in the past when I have needed a woman.

I am angry my children miss out on knowing her.

I am angry that I don’t know what she was like. Her laughter, her strengths, her weaknesses. Her grace. Maybe we would have been close. Maybe we would have clashed. It lies within the arms of Unknown.

I am angry for a bunch of things…

Including this.. Especially this!! – That she has been and is near me now, reaching out to support me. Standing behind me –  This. Very. Moment.

And I want to reject her. Again. Like I have always done. Like I do all women. (There you have it.)

But… her hand on my shoulder, her face softly smiling, her head nodding with acknowledgement and encouragement – holding the space, letting me cry as I write this. Just as a mother would.

I want to say Fuck you. Fuck you!!!

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But I don’t. I soften, I open. I reach for her support – for the first time in… ever. I can feel myself lean into her. My mother. Gail Elizabeth Crawford.

You see… I’ve been ignoring her presence for months. Years even. But especially and purposely ignoring her energy, her presence recently.

Why? Because I wanted a “real” mum. One I could touch. Talk to in the flesh. Admire.

I didn’t ask to have a relationship with a dead mother.

Or did I? …..

But she’s here to help me. She’s key.

To support me in my spiritual and energetic work. For my mother was a healer. She was psychic too… it runs in my matriarchal linage.

To support me in healing my distrust of women.

To transform me. Like mothers do. To grow me up.

Sigh.

Universe thank you. It is time. You always know. And I am ready.

Mum… I love you. We have to go slow. And I am going to cry and swear a lot in our initial exchanges. Apologies ahead of time.

To all you beautiful women. To the divine feminine… Thank you. I love you. I see you. I always have. I’ve just been scared.

No more armour… or at least I’m beginning to take it off. And thank goodness for that.

It was heavy. And I’m ready to love harder and fly higher.

Lauren xx

33 Comments to “Beginning my Relationship with Women & my Dead Mother.”

  1. Beautiful Lauren,
    You bring so much insight for me into a new awareness of feminine energy and the ever present resistance. Thank you for sharing your stories, your light and your Kinfolk magic. xx

  2. Dear Lauren, Thank you for writing this and sharing yourself so vulnerably. You know, I have been thinking of this very topic this week, as I too struggle to trust women and to be myself (especially in groups). It can be so confronting to sit in circle with women and yet, I find myself doing that very thinking over and over. Just want to say bravo for saying what would normally remain unsaid, especially when ‘sisterhood’ is such a celebrated thing (and rightfully so – it’s just not easy for everyone). Much love to you on your healing journey. Love Rachel x

  3. Such a beautiful post Lauren. Very powerful and brave. That pic of you as a little one here looks so much like A… (so much)! Peace to you xxx

  4. thank you for sharing this raw and very real piece. I’m certain you are feeling lighter already, take once step at a time. Its all happening just how its meant to. Surrender is a beautiful thing, and these special women are so patient with us, just waiting for the moment to be right. Much love x

  5. So admiring your bravery and openness about being scared of women and wanting to reject them.. the awkwardness, the armour. I resonate with so much of this. my mums mother died when she was 12 and I really recognise this in her too.. when I turned 12 my mum didn’t want me at home anymore, a strange repeating of something… I moved out and we didn’t speak for years.. now we are trying to repair things and I want nothing more than to reject her.. taking of the armour, bit by bit… Thank you so much for sharing these stories Lauren x

  6. Thank you so much for sharing, I know its not easy. I lost my mom at 16 and have always felt the same around women. Your story will help me and so many others to heal that part. xx

  7. Lauren, this is a topic I’ve been wanting to bring out into the open but have always been too scared. My mother passed when I was tiny (she was 24), I don’t know her or remember her at all. We’ve only connected through dreams and readings etc. My father then remarried a woman who was physically abusive toward me as well as verbally and psychologically spiteful. She separated me from my mother’s family and hurtfully he turned a blind eye to all that went on. When I turned 19 I fled home and never looked back. My best friends growing up were mostly boys and a handful of girls, who quite ironically, came from broken families. I resented the ‘happy family’ ideal with a white picket fence and golden retriever. Most of all I resented myself, I resented my mother for leaving me and convincing myself that something was wrong with me I distanced myself from women. I still do it now at 30. I have some beautiful female friendships, but there is so much room to go deeper with them….and I hesitate. I’m now 10 weeks away from becoming a mother myself. This new motherhood phase is going to be one of the greatest, intimate and rewarding learning curves. Thank you for holding this space for us to share so openly. Big love to you beautiful. C.x

  8. Thank you Lauren, this issue is very close to me.
    However I have a mother who is still alive but who has never accepted me, who is full of spite an anger, and the only way I’ve been able to maintain a relationship with her is by putting this knowledge aside and having a superficial relationship with her.
    But it still hurts.
    I find it hard to relate and bind with women due to this relationship- even my mother’s own view of women when I was growing up (distrusting and competitive).
    I long ago stopped opening up and turning to her, because she would later use my vulnerable times against me to put me down.
    I’m not sure if anyone has any insight here, but I want to know how I can be ok and accept that I’ll never have a mother who cares for me without condition. It feels lonely.

    Thanks for your posts as always :)

    • Replying to Emily,

      Sounds like your mother is a narcissist with borderline personality disorder (BPD). Just like my own mother. Aren’t we the lucky ones?!? LOL, not! I learned this about my mother, read about Borderline mothers and daughters (there is literally a book on this subject, found mine on the USA Amazon called “Understanding the Borderline Mother” by Christine Ann Lawson), and it changed my entire life, including my relationship with her. I learned how to protect myself against her abuse towards me and in turn my life has improved tenfold, including my own relationship with her. But of course there is a lot of info on this subject on the interwebs, if you enjoy Googling. You will find peace with this, I promise.

      Much love,
      Marie

    • Emily,

      I have to say I agree with Marie. Your mom sounds like mine, and she is definitely on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder spectrum. I recommend reading Will I Ever Be Good Enough? by Karly McBride. It is a book for daughters of narcissistic mothers and how to survive them. Seriously, there were passages in that book that were word for word things my mother said to me. It was like Dr. McBride bugged my house and put it in her book! I can’t tell you how reassuring it was to read. My entire life I have been gaslighted, made to feel like I was crazy and to find that I really wasn’t crazy brought me to tears many times.
      One of the big things that helped me after realizing that she was on the NPD spectrum, was realizing that of everyone I knew and loved, and who knew and loved me, all described me in the same way, the only person that described me differently was my mom. After that I really had to ask myself, when these 6 people in my soul family all see me and describe me in the same way, and then over here is this person who says something completely different, who I am to believe? Six people or one? I had to start asking myself “is this true? is this what my soul family thinks of me?” whenever she said something about me or called me names, etc. It has made a world of difference.
      I agree, it is lonely and heartbreaking and frustrating. My soul family has always been a source of support and strength for me. Those friends that are family, don’t discount them, they are just as much family as any other. Blood is not thicker than water, only stickier. Knowing that you aren’t crazy and aren’t alone can make a world of difference as well.
      Sending you much love and light,
      Tracey

  9. Lauren, thank you for opening your heart with these stories and thanks for sharing yourself with us at Kinfolk. You are mesmerising to watch and beautiful and inspiring to listen to. xx

  10. So beautifully written, you’re so brave and honest and you’ve moved me to tears. I’m so close to my mum and my Grandma is always watching over me. I’m fortunate to be a part of a line of intuitive women as well, and here I sit with a baby girl in my belly, wondering what she’ll bring to our tribe. I hope you’re feeling well and held as you gently let go and let us all wrap you up xxx

  11. Beautiful post. Thanks for sharing. I have never liked nor trusted girls either and yet close beautiful female friendship is all I want. I too am awkward and stilted and wary and vulnerable I suppose. I’ve felt really angry at my mother most of my life, abandoned emotionally from a young age. Just this morning I wrote her a giant email letting it all out, in response to something. Normally I wouldn’t hesitate in sending it. But I don’t think I’m going to this time. It feels enough just to have it out of my head and acknowledge the pain thats there. Besides I am trying to invite love into my life and I’m asking ‘what would love do’ with this email, what would love do with this right now? Thanks, your post inspired me to share too.

  12. Beautiful sharing honey! I admire your courage for letting us in and opening yourself to the gifts of the divine feminine.We will hold you :-) xxxx

  13. Beautifully written, Lauren. It can’t have been easy to write this piece, but the rawness and realness of it will touch so many women. xo
    PS: For the record, you don’t come across as awkward or defensive. I sense nothing but radiance and receptivity from you…

  14. Lauren,

    Thank you so much for sharing this painful, awkward expansive edge of yours. It is so beautiful really. It is funny because you were one of the main draw cards for me, for the Kinfolk festival. My soul was drawn in to buy that ticket because of you. I knew I needed to connect with you. And you were such a wonderful, magical, beautiful human being to meet. So I am glad you felt it. I felt it too. Kinship, connection and soul sisters is what turns a nice life into a fucking awesome one.
    Love Nicole

  15. Wow Lauren, I would have never guessed you feel this way. The times I have met you, I have always felt welcomed and comfortable. Though my relationship with my Mum is not similar to yours, I too have always felt awkward and scared of other women. You have managed to put words to the feelings I have always struggled to describe. Thank you.

  16. Stunningly beautiful Lauren. Make me think of this quote:
    “One of the most courage decisions you’ll ever make is to finally let go of what if hurting your heart and soul.” – Bridgitte Nicole
    And I’m sure your words will help heal others too xx

  17. What a lovely article. I totally get what you mean about not being totally comfortable around women. What hurts me so much is when women choose to tear each other down instead of build each other up. I am a highly sensitive person and it does bother me but I ma focusing on the good in the world and that helps. I wish you all the love in the world at dealing with your mothers death but know this she was hurting too. She will always love you. Take time to deal with your feelings good and bad as they are there for a reason. I met a lovely woman this week and she told me to honour my feelings at all times and don’t be afraid to cry as this is what we need to do to heal. Thanks for sharing this story its so beautifully written.

  18. Thank you, Lauren, for sharing such a deep, personal and honest story. Your bravery is inspiring. Mother/Daughter relationships are not always smooth and free flowing – mine definitely isn’t. But that feeling of wanting to let go and let flow is the best place to start. Sending you a huge, loving hug sister xx

  19. I can totally relate to this – being afraid of women. I’ve always had a tough time starting friendships & like you I am very lucky to have a beautiful friends around me! Thank you for sharing! It’s given me lots to think about xx

  20. Oh Lauren, that was so beautiful. The rawness, the release, the authenticity, the healing. It brought tears to my eyes. For such a beautiful, gentle and graceful woman – you exude not one ounce of harsh anger around you. What a beautiful spiritual mentor and guide to have with you, always. Your mother. I am so glad we have crossed paths, and feel that YOU have also opened up my eyes to the divine feminine connection. Keep shining soul sister, I can’t wait till we connect again xx

  21. Wow, I’m so happy for you. My mother died when I was six. I’ve struggled all my life not having her. Spirituality has helped. I’m learning to be a Reiki energy healer and i did a distant Reiki session exchange with another healer. While she worked on me I saw my mother’s tapestry on my wall and started crying. Whenever I’ve had difficulties in my life esp with my relationship with my partner, I’ve missed my mom. I actually spoke to her in my soul and asked her why she had to die and leave me. I actually felt her with me and she says she’s always been with me and prayed for me. Wow, I feel so different now.

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